It's only been 4 years, or it's already been 4 years?
(I originally wrote this in November 2015 on a previous blog I no longer have published)
November 3, 2015
Just this week I was writing about grieving and realized next month will be 4 years since my dad died (12/12/2011). I had been thinking it was three years. Somehow the difference between 3 and 4 years seems greater than each of the previous anniversaries.
-1 year goes by in a flash
-2 years feels more like my comprehension of a single year the older I get
-3 years feels like you now embody that state but are still adjusting
-4 years feels more like a signifier of greater experiences completed. Completion of high school, college, a presidential term in office... Somehow in my mind it was natural to say "it's only been three years." But with four years the terminology changes to "it's already been four years."
My dad singing and playing congas in his band at one of our big family summer parties with 100+ dear ones.
It was a shock to realize I had lived an additional year past what was present in my mind. I just sat there for about 5 minutes in silence.
Being a card carrying member for life is only understood by other members, by both those who are new to the club and those who began their tenure early. Just as I could not focus the lens of grief until my dad passed did I join the club.
I guess what I am trying to say is I now have 4 years under my belt and the rest of my life to go. And the grieving continues to engage me, it's usually familiar, but even after four years it finds new ways to present it's self, and new ways for me to process it. It will continue to keep me on my toes as my life evolves and new events occur the engagements of grief for my dad will continue to evolve and challenge me. And yes, sometimes it does create a phenomena of erasing the length of time in between and transports me to an ephemeral moment when we could share a breath, and and feel the warmth of his soft strong hands. And that is one of the strange beauties you get to experience, a necessary mechanism enabled by grief.
This post was originally a comment in response to an article my cousin shared on Facebook and tagged her siblings who had just experienced the first anniversary of their dad’s passing, my uncle Carlos who was like a brother to my dad. http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/10/31/the-day-ill-finally-stop-grieving/